I'd thought that I had everything under control, that the traumatic events of my past had all been "managed". I'd successfully built my walls around several sexual assaults. I thought I'd fully understood and come to grips with my "abandonment issues".
Then suddenly I didn't have anything under control.
My marriage began to suffer, my job became a nightmare. I couldn't sleep. I began to hate my life and I couldn't find any joy in the world. Then I had my first panic attack at work. Luckily a coworker took me to the ER and even luckier, the ER doctor recognized the panic attack and recommended therapy. That's when I found Dr. Ybarra and EMDR.
I had built my walls, but I'd never faced my traumas. And without facing them and resolving them, they would always stand in the way of my ability to be ME. They stood in the way of even knowing who "ME" was.
It wasn't the easiest thing I've ever done in my life. EMDR opens up the past very thoroughly. Like a wound that's been safely covered for years, ripping off that covering to actually allow the wound to heal is scary. The pain of sudden exposure is real. But it's short-lived. And the healing is so very worth it!
I can truly say from the depth of my soul, that not only is my life better after EMDR therapy… I'M better. I'm better as a wife, a mother, a business person… I'm better at being MYSELF.
I can finally say that I didn't deserve those terrible things that happened to me, and even better, I finally FEEL it and KNOW it to be true.
Take the chance, it will change your life!
In the blink of an eye or the beat of a heart, a life can change. That is what happened to me with the sudden death of my beloved husband. No warning signs, no good-byes. . .one moment he was here and the next my world changed forever.
I remember my body and mind just instantly shutting down. I wasn’t functioning and the trauma of his sudden death put me into a tailspin; all I could see were the circumstances surrounding this horrible event, my thoughts repeating his death over and over—on constant replay! That’s when I knew I needed help.
I called a local grief counselor and after speaking with her for about 30 minutes, most of which was out-of-control crying, she understood and was knowledgeable enough to understand that I needed a Psychologist who specialized in trauma. This began my most amazing journey of healing and the understanding of how to compartmentalize the events of my husband’s death.
I had never been to a therapist before and was somewhat hesitant as to how this process of healing would work. The Doctor explained to me, after interviewing me, that I was suffering from a form of P.T.S.D. and thought an approach to help me “unblock” my mind was a tool called EMDR. I agreed to this process, and can honestly say-- I was terrified! To go back to that “day” and re-live it was of great concern and fear! But I stayed with the Doctor’s gentle approach and we went on a journey that unlocked events in my life dating back over 40 years! I had blocked these past events and like a wound that never heals, my mind had built a layer of scar tissue over it protecting me from dealing with this pain.
Then with the sudden death of my husband, my unconscious mind just locked down and I couldn’t get past these horrific images of his death. I just couldn’t understand why I was doing this! In time, as the EMDR sessions unfolded, we realized I was repeating the same “phases” in remembering my husband’s death and the painful experiences I’d had over 40 years ago. When I finally realized what I was saying in connecting the two events, my mind opened up with a flood of images, feelings and finally the understanding of what my mind had blocked. I NEVER would have understood, without the EMDR sessions, the how or why of my mind shutting down and the constant replaying of my husband’s death.
I can now start to move on with my healing and growing in my new life. I will always mourn the loss of my husband, we were together for 47 years. As I take life a day at a time, I’d like to also add that with the Doctor’s help and EMDR, I now realized that these terrible events in my life are opportunities to find out who I am and have allowed me to gain more strength, more forgiveness & more love in my heart.
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